So God’s been chatting to me a lot the past week and a bit. I’ve got a lot of things sorted in my head and also made some decisions.

I’ve been pretty frustrated the past few weeks in the way I’ve been feeling. I’m a little bit of a control freak and I like to be independent. I hate people having to do things for me, I hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing someone so will go out of my way to make sure people don’t have to. But the past 2 weeks I haven’t been capable of thinking for myself. Just no enthusiasm or drive to do anything. So with rehearsals I should have been planning the days and working out what needed doing and setting deadlines and leading the rehearsal sessions. But I just couldn’t do it and needed people to tell me what to do which I absolutely hated!

Last Weds (23rd) Matt and Jules Hollidge (check out their ministry Kore) came to take a session on Living a Christian Life, looking at where we get our values from and how to develop a life based on Biblical Values. I so wasn’t in the mood for it and wanted to be anywhere else but there.  But actually it was brilliant. I got so ridiculously challenged and spent the rest of the day processing my thoughts. Then the following morning during PTO (Personal Time Out) we were supposed to be looking at 1 Samuel 16 but I knew God had more to say to me! Was listening to Bluetree’s album (which is just incredible and I get so much out of it everytime I listen to it) and the lyrics of their song Burn Up just really hit me:

Help me live a life
Of love that pleases
My one desire
Is to see You lifted
To see You lifted
To see You lifted

Burn me up, Burn me up
Until all that’s seen
All that’s seen is You

Jesus You’re all
I’ve ever needed
Your joy will be
The strength I live by
The strength I live by
The strength I live by

Lead me on to the place
Where I’ll see You face to face
Where Your glory is revealed
Lead me on
Lead me on

So here’s what God’s been saying to me:
I rely so much on what people think of me. Practically everything I do, I’m thinking about what people will think of me and how to please them. But actually who do I want to please? If I spend this year pleasing the people on team, what happens next year when they are gone? Have I wasted a year of not doing what God wants me to do because I’ve got caught up in my own emotions?
I desperately want to do what God wants me to do and I really want to focus this year on putting my all into Viz and Diversion and being the best me I can to be most effective for Him. It’s gonna be hard but I don’t want to give in! I don’t want to look back and see wasted opportunities and kick myself for letting ME get in the way. Coz ultimately it’s all about Jesus and sharing Him with everyone I meet.

So now I’ve got my head round all that, my enthusiasm and my drive has come back. I’ve got my focus and I know what I need to be doing. So today I was able to throw myself into planning and rehearsing and I feel more like me! Poor Ben has been used to a laid back Laura, not anymore! He’s quickly learning to shut up when I’m talking now! So now a little frustrated that in some ways the past 4 weeks haven’t been effectively used rehearsal wise, but recognising I needed to go through that to be at the place I am now.

So now to make the most of all the time I have.

Tags: Bluetree, Chat, God, Kore, Matt and Jules, PTO, Rehearsals